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  • 1.  Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-11-2022 11:40
    Humans are complex individuals. (whew, way to start this one off deep, Quinn!) 

    I was listening to a podcast earlier today and the hosts mentioned a concept called, "Triforce Communication," and immediately my brain said, "tell me more." You know how sometimes you share something with someone and their response just... misses the mark? I find this to be particularly frustrating, which is probably why Triforce Communication resonates with me. 

    It essentially boils down to this - when we vocalize our thoughts to someone (or someones), we're doing one of three things:
    1. Building intimacy or sharing (telling a story, venting, for instance) 
    2. Seeking support or acknowledgement (wanting to be heard or understood) 
    3. Seeking advice or problem solving (wanting to know what to do next, for instance)

    If a person's response matches what we're looking for - BINGO! success! But if I'm looking just to vent and someone tries to solve my problem, I find I end up feeling more frustrated. 

    I like having this framework as both the person sharing AND the person listening, as it gives an opportunity to either express what I need or ask what the other person needs as the conversation is shaping up. It might look like: "Hey friend, can I vent for a minute? I just need to get this off my chest, but I don't need anything other than that right now" or it might look like someone sharing something with me and me saying, "I hear that! How can I best support right now - are you feeling good having shared that or do you want to think through some solutions." 

    What do y'all think? 

    also, I made this little image for me to keep on my desktop as a reminder:  


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    Stay awesome,
    Quinn
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  • 2.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-11-2022 11:55
    I LOVE THIS so much, and it should be given to every parent upon the birth of every child. I can't tell you how many times my kids have told me something and I immediately went into advice mode. Because...I always know what's best for them, right? Um, not so much! 

    At one point my son told me, "Mom, I really just wanted to tell you this was happening, I don't need your advice." Whoa. THANK YOU.

    Now, I just listen. And listen and listen. I guess this is sometimes "building intimacy/sharing" and other times "seeking support/acknowledgement."

    Once a year or so, one of my kids will say, "I'd like your advice on something" and that's my queue to help with problem solving. This used to be my #1 go-to with everything that came out of their mouths. Now that I don't do that anymore, they actually DO ask for advice every once in a while.

    Thank you @Quinn Drew for sharing this!​​

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    Maria Liccardo
    Evanston
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  • 3.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-12-2022 09:41
    @Maria Liccardo - I have also been working on not defaulting to "advice mode" in conversations with friends. It's really hard! I'm also working on asking intentional follow up questions as a response, which is ALSO hard. I feel like my standard for so long was to bring it back to something similar that happened to me, like "oh interesting, yeah - that reminds me of a time..." and I recognized that didn't always feel great either. I'm trying really hard to say things like, "tell me more about _____," or to ask how the experience made them feel. Thanks for sharing what's been working with your kids! :)​

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    Stay awesome,
    Quinn
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  • 4.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-12-2022 08:14
    Interesting about venting.
    My thought is if you are just clearing your thoughts, wants or desires, then start out with, hey I just need to vent to someone, then there is no confusion.
    Most people feel that they have a duty to reply or help in some manner.
    Be direct in what you are saying and if someone is trying to solve it for you, say thank you but I don't really need an answer.

    Just my two cents.

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    Rev. Jim Klynman
    Woodstock Ga.
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  • 5.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-12-2022 09:26
    Hi, @James Klynman - totally hear what you're saying, and agree - it's good, as the speaker, to set your own expectations about what you need. I've been working on this, too, incorporating things like, "can I share this story with you? I need someone to listen," or - "can I run this by you? I'd love your perspective."

    I find that if I'm on the same page with the other person/people at the start of the conversation, the rest is easier to navigate. While I can (and do) say, "thanks, I wasn't really looking for advice," I feel like that can come across more dismissive than intended.

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    Stay awesome,
    Quinn
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  • 6.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-22-2022 16:02
    Yeh. this is so spot on. I've been on both sides of this. Venting to my spouse and she will come back trying to solve the problem. If it's about work, more likely than not, I will have to fight the urge to be irritated, because, as ya'll have so correctly noted, sometimes we just want to be heard.
    Of course, I've failed on the other side just as many times, because, as a man, my first temptation is to fix things, right? Or so all the pop psychology books used to say back a decade or two ago. men are from Mars, women are from Venus, why do I feel like I am from Pluto? :)  I suppose those pigeonhole approaches are not very popular anymore, thank goodness. We are all individuals. But I digress. Resisting the urge to immediately offer advice is really good, if hard to practice.
    For example, I just reconnected with an old high school friend that I haven't seen in decades. Once every four or five years we call each other and chat. He is a real outdoor adventurer still, even at 59, something I am mildly jealous about because my life circumstances now have me no where near whitewater rafting the Colorado River or off-roading the backcountry of Utah where he lives. As he was sharing, I kept resisting the urge to relate his experiences to some trivial thing I had done that was remotely similar. I would catch myself and think, no, don't try to equate everything he is sharing to some experience I have had. Just listen, and ask follow up questions.

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    Arnie Grahl
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  • 7.  RE: Triforce Communication

    Posted 08-23-2022 10:43
    What a great reminder, @Arnie Grahl: "just listen, and ask follow up questions." ​​

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    Stay awesome,
    Quinn
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